Reflections on Facing your Fear

For months I’ve been feeling a pull to dive in or tap into with greater sincerity the energy that’s ever-present, known as the divine feminine.  Intuitively, I began to see that by enlivening and stoking the fire of my own divine feminine and then gently reminding others of it, that we’ll begin to heal the planet.

I think the blessing of quarantine is that it’s given many of us the opportunity to slow down, go inward and reflect on what’s meaningful.   In my own household, my husband recently (and finally!) chose to walk away from his 20-year corporate career.  Looking back, I’d say for the last 10 years, he’d half-heartedly comment that the work was soul crushing… but he’d continue on anyway.

2020 made us (or perhaps is continuing to make us) face our fears.  For my husband, it was not having financial security, which is certainly valid, but you have to question whether the financial security is worth the trade-off of the soul.  I firmly believe the answer is no.

For me, my greatest fear has been to put myself out there.  Honestly, I felt like if I were to step out and be heard or seen in any way, I needed to have more education, experience, official-looking letters behind my name or certifications.  I feared being criticized or being seen as someone without any authority.  Imposture syndrome was REAL and it was keeping me down and blinding me from seeing my potential.

That is, until these past couple of months. 

A seed was planted within, one that held the inner workings of divine feminine energy.  I felt this pull to bring women together, work together, teach/learn from each other, support, nurture, nourish, uplift, hold space and love one another like it’s our life-line…because actually – it IS!

So, with this inner fire, conviction, and intuitive knowing, there was no way I could continue to hide.  I had to face my fear.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s been no easy task (and it’s not over!).  I feel like I’ve been turned inside out, totally naked and vulnerable, but I couldn’t ignore or push aside this knowing.

You’ve got to start somewhere, right?  My start took shape as a small 2-day, in-person, all out-door women’s gathering where we called in goddess energy, learned how to open sacred space and honored the rhythm of the seasons.

The process of creating the workshop was exciting as my co-facilitator and I let our imaginations and creativity flow.  We spent months talking about it, throwing out ideas and as the workshop date grew near, we flushed out the details and really dialed it in.

Next came the challenge of REALLY facing my fear.  30 minutes before show time, I pictured myself screaming “NOOOOOO!” as I ran, no sprinted, down the street.

I also imagined freezing – paralyzed, words stuck in my throat, body immobile as I guided the attendees through a vinyasa flow.

Then even as the first day ended rather successfully, I went home and imagined all the participants calling the next morning with “car problems” and unable to attend (but really binge-watching Netflix and eating Cheetos instead!).

To my delight, no one had car problems and everyone came back for the second day.  And that day went even better than the first.

After sharing with Nathalie the emotional ups and downs of the weekend, she said that many times we think that if we’re properly motivated, then we achieve.  But really, we need to flip that…. When we achieve something (i.e. face our fear), then motivation is greater.

After feeling the inkling of achievement from facing my fears and co-hosting this workshop, I feel in my body the motivation to show up with greater intensity, to be seen and heard, even if it means I receive some criticism along the way. 

The seed to bring awareness and activation of the divine feminine energy has been planted inside me for a reason.  I plan to take care of it and nurture it and then step out of the way and observe where it goes.

Is that what it means to be in the flow of life?

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